What I want for my kids by the time they leave home

Some of this will be covered at school, some will need to be covered by us and some, realistically, they probably won’t know when they leave home (some of it I’m still working on at 46). But it’s what I’d really like to help provide them with by the time they leave home.

• I want them to be able to survive and thrive in the way they want to, in the world as it is when they venture out into it.
• I want them to have the tools to live in, to thrive in and to be happy in, the society in which they find themselves.
• I want them to know that they can go really far – whether that’s travelling the world (or indeed the galaxy), being Prime Minister, winning a bunch of Oscars, being a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, heading up a global charity, writing and/or illustrating a bunch of bestselling books, heading a team of scientists who save the world, or cure a big disease… or one of the many careers or areas of life that will exist in 10 or 20 years that we have no inkling of.
• I want them to know, as well, that they can have a happy, satisfying and full life if they choose different directions – whether that means working to provide the money to pursue an interest or diverse interests, rather than careers being their main interest. I want them to know that a calm and small-scale life where they smile and laugh every day, care about those around them and do no (or minimal) harm to others, is as valid a direction to take as getting to the top of a particular career, but that they have it within the powers to do either and should not let self-doubt or the doubts of others put them off.
• I want them to know that they can pick one career and direction and change their mind ten years later, twenty years later, or even thirty years later. I want them to understand that the world of work has changed significantly in the last few decades and will continue to change and want them to be ready to give and to take within that new world of work, and still be comfortable and happy.
• The skills and knowledge I want them to develop to survive and thrive (thriving, to me, meaning being comfortable, satisfied and happy most of the time – how they measure their comfort, satisfaction and happiness will be entirely down to them) include:
• self-awareness
• self-esteem
• positive body image
• understanding of how they learn best
• understanding of what makes their hearts sing
• self-determination
• ability to make decisions for themselves
• ability to own their choices
• ability to not let others dictate their whole lives
• understanding of how to follow the rules, but the confidence to question them when they need questioning
• communication
• awareness of social cues and social expectations
• ability to show and tell people how they feel
• ability to debate and argue without putting other people down
• ability to communicate well in writing
• ability to speak other languages, at least to some extent
• ability to actively listen
• ability to reflect back and show people they have understood
• confidence to speak up in situations where they need to, whether that’s telling someone in a shop that they’ve been short-changed, sharing their beliefs or opinions, or giving a speech in the United Nations – or the plethora of situations in between
• understanding that we write and speak differently with different people (including an understanding of swearing and when to and not to use it)
• empathy
• understanding that their way is not always the only way, or even the right way
• ability to appreciate others’ feelings and offer comfort and support where they can
• ability and desire to not act in a way that will upset or harm others (but the reasoning and self-awareness to understand that we can’t always put others before ourselves)
• problem solving
• ability to see when there is a problem and to work through the steps needed to solve it
• ability to ask for help when they need it
• awareness and understanding of where to go for help or knowledge
• desire to solve their own problems and, within reason, help others to solve theirs (with an openness to think about how bigger problems could be solved and offer/do what they can to do so)
• money understanding and management
• understanding of how much things cost (everyday items, as well as bigger things), in relation to how much people earn
• understanding that different people earn different amounts
• understanding of how to plan and save for big purchases
• understanding of value of money – appreciation of when something might be considered a waste of money (cf. empathy – different people will have different ideas of what is a waste of money)
• understanding of benefit system and where to go for financial help if needed
• understanding of cost of university education and different options
• understanding of differences between renting and buying in terms of housing (including difference between social and private rentals)
• understanding of banking system and what options are available (at different ages and stages)
• understanding of taxes (personal and business and what they pay for)
• nutritional understanding and cooking skills
• understanding of current thinking of what a balanced diet is (and that there are always new studies that may lead to changes in advice)
• understanding of which nutrients are essential and which are advisable for health
• understanding of how food affects health and fitness
• understanding of why we need more of some foods and less of others
• ability to prepare a range of basic meals and snacks
• awareness of how to find out how to cook something new
• ability to undertake basic kitchen tasks (cutting, grating, peeling, boiling, frying, baking, grilling)
• basic understanding of kitchen safety (e.g. handling hot pans and dishes, cutting safely)
• basic understanding of kitchen hygiene (e.g. washing hands, washing dishes, keeping surfaces clean, keeping fridges clean, how to store different foods)
• hygiene (personal and household) skills and knowledge
• understanding of basic personal hygiene tasks that are needed and how often (e.g. brushing teeth, hair, washing hair – including different options of shampoo, no shampoo, etc. – cleaning sweaty areas daily, how often to bathe/shower and different options in terms of soap, etc. and whether and when to use deodorant)
• awareness of why personal hygiene is important (e.g. personal health, how it affects others, preventing disease)
• awareness of period hygiene (e.g. what options are available now and reasons to use different options, importance of disposing of sanitary towels/tampons in the right way and/or ways to clean menstrual cups or period pants hygienically)
• awareness of hygiene and cleanliness needs (and cf. empathy – while there are some concrete facts, a lot of levels of hygiene and tidiness and cleanliness are down to personal preference and sometimes specific physical needs; when we share our spaces with others, whether family, friends, housemates or strangers, we need to take them into consideration ) – e.g. in relation to disease, germs, allergies
• health and fitness
• ability to stay healthy and fit (nutrition, exercise, environment, overall activity levels)
• understanding of common illnesses and what can be done to prevent or manage them
• understanding of less common illnesses and what can be done to look out for them and/or spot them early
• awareness of NHS and what is available free and what you have to pay for (and when – e.g. prescriptions, glasses and dental treatment free for children); understanding of how healthcare works in some other countries and benefits of different systems; how the NHS has changed over the years
• organisational skills (including physical organisation, planning and time management)
• ability to plan learning and revision
• ability to organise space – small spaces, such as suitcases and individual drawers or shelves, and larger spaces, such as rooms, or even houses
• ability to break down goals and plans into smaller tasks and sort plans into short-term, medium-term and long-term
• ability to consider others in planning and organisation
• learning skills
• cf. self-awareness
• ability to learn in different ways, and awareness of best ways for them
• openness and willingness to learn new things (skills and knowledge)
• specific skills, such as research, note-taking, skim-reading, how to use the internet for learning, how to use books for learning, ability to teach others
• cultural awareness
• willingness to absorb popular and classical culture (e.g. through books, film, music, etc.)
• willingness to learn about, understand and appreciate other cultures
• understanding of different religions and non-religions, both in terms of what they teach, but also why people follow them (and a willingness to let others follow their own beliefs, unhindered – as long as they do not harm others and prevent others from following their own beliefs)
• awareness and understanding of other belief systems that are not tied to religion (e.g. vegetarianism and veganism, humanism)
• love of reading (please) and an awareness of how much power, joy and knowledge reading can provide (this relates to learning, self-awareness and other areas, too)
• historical, political and social awareness
• strong knowledge and awareness of history, to guide actions and beliefs (and to help protect themselves and their generation and children’s generation from making the same mistakes that were made again and again already)
• an awareness of how equality and inclusion have increased in the last hundred years and how far it still needs to go (race, gender, social class, physical ability)
• an awareness of different political leanings, along with the parties that (currently) espouse the leanings and what policies tend to go with those leanings
• an interest in politics, at the very least, on the level of voting, but ideally in terms of understanding what is happening around them and how they can impact that (how voting and membership of a party are not the only ways to engage and partake in politics)
• an awareness of social welfare and what is available to people here and around the world (and an understanding of why these are needed – and possibly an awareness of viewpoints that don’t embrace social welfare)
• relationships and sex
• ability to make friends
• ability to maintain friendships
• awareness that friendships don’t have to last forever
• cf. empathy
• awareness of differences between friendship and closer relationships (whether or not they are sexual)
• awareness of love and different types of love
• awareness of what sex is and why people have it
• awareness of consent
• awareness of sexual abuse of different levels, as well as discrimination
• awareness of sexuality (and gender – and how they can differ) – including self-awareness in these terms

What I want from my kids now and going forward

• To know that I love them and always will.
• To know that I am proud of them.
• To know that I think they are amazing and become more and more amazing every day.
• To know that I trust them to make good decisions.
• To know that I am here to:
• listen
• hug
• help
• advise
• teach
• guide
• hang out
• comfort
• feed
• provide shelter
• comb nits out
• share my world view
• share my opinions
• share my experience.
• To trust me enough to come to me with any problems, fears and sadness.
• To understand that they have responsibilities (which will differ depending on their age and stage of learning and development and outside responsibilities) and to carry these out without (much) complaint.
• To think about how their actions and behaviours affect those around them (their immediate family, wider family, friends, teachers, and people out and about) and to adjust their actions and behaviours, where they can easily do so, to avoid and prevent harm and hurt to others.
• To do any homework they have, to the best of their abilities and within their powers and to ask for help/advice from us if and when they need it.
• To listen to the answer when they ask someone a question.
• To be open to learning about new things, hearing new music, watching new films, reading new books, eating new foods. BUT to also understand that don’t have to always be open to these things, e.g. when not in the right mood, when they had already planned something else, etc. – as long as they do not always refuse.
• To acknowledge other people’s interests and passions, even when they differ from their own.
• To NEVER call someone ‘stupid’ – help people to understand, if they don’t and are willing to understand. Remember that what may seem stupid to them, may make absolute sense to the other person.
• To reserve HATRED for absolute evil (e.g. hate murder, racism, rape; don’t hate your sister for sitting on the sofa you want to sit on, or your parent for asking you to pick up your shoes).
• To be honest about their feelings, as far as they can, but while thinking of others’ feelings (e.g. if they really don’t like a meal, be honest about it, but not rude; saying what it is about it they don’t like, if they know what changes would make it OK, etc.)
• To know that their feelings, all of them, are equally valid and allowed. BUT… to think about how they express their feelings, especially ANGER or HATRED, but also LOVE.
• To know that some people like hugs and kisses and high fives and others don’t. If anyone doesn’t want a hug or a kiss or a touch of any kind, they have the right to say so. ‘My body, my choice.’ (Including them!)
• To understand that people need different levels of personal space. Some people find eye contact uncomfortable, some people don’t like people very close to them, some people need to spend a percentage of the day (or some days) on their own, others need to spend lots of time in the company of other people. Respect others’ needs and express their own; sometimes they may not mesh, and a compromise may be needed.
• To find their own ways to calm down when they are angry or frustrated and use these – thinking of others in doing so (e.g. say ‘I need to leave the room to calm down’ instead of storming out; hold up a finger to show you know the other person is there, before closing your eyes and breathing in and out; say ‘I know you’re upset too. I can’t talk about it right now, but I will talk to you when we are both calmer’, etc.). (Ask for tips and advice and ideas if they don’t have their own ways yet. Be open to ideas, but accept that what works for one person may not work for another.)
• To follow the rules at home and at school, BUT… to question these rules within the structures available, where they feel they are unfair – follow the rules first, question later, unless following the rule will cause immediate and obvious harm to someone (that doesn’t include harm of the kind of ‘If I follow this rule I won’t get to watch everything I want,’ or ‘If I follow this rule I won’t get as many sweets as I want’). And be aware of times in history when rules had to be broken in stronger ways (e.g. suffragettes, fighting apartheid and slavery, etc.), and that it is not impossible that a time will come in their lifetime when it needs to happen again.
• To understand that rules within our family, within their schools, and within other institutions and societies, have evolved and been discussed over time and are based on personal experience, history and scientific evidence. Rules do not usually come about arbitrarily and on a whim. BUT… sometimes rules have been here too long and have not kept up with other changes in society; sometimes scientific research has shown that the original information the rules were based on is now proven to be wrong; sometimes the rules were always wrong, but it took time for everyone to see it.
• To understand that there are times to break rules, but this should not ever be done on a whim, but for well-thought-out and solid reasons.

What I don’t want for or from my kids

• I don’t want to tell them how or what to feel.
• I don’t want them to live the life (or lives) that I feel I missed out on.
• I don’t want them to follow in my footsteps and do exactly what I do (unless they want to).
• I don’t want to tell them what to believe.
• I don’t want them to fear me.
• I don’t want them to love me without question.
• I don’t want them to respect me without question.
• I don’t want them to hide the big stuff from me.
• I don’t want them to go hungry.
• I don’t want them to be lonely.
• I don’t want them to be homeless (if they choose to travel for long periods they would always have a home to come back to here – or wherever).
• I don’t want them to not care about anyone other than themselves.
• I don’t want them to be wilfully ignorant.
• I don’t want them to feel lost.
• I don’t want them to feel hopeless.